Alright guys. Here’s my opinion on the friendzone.
It’s not a bad thing.
I’m not going to say it completely doesn’t exist, because, frankly, it does, however it’s not the negative thing a lot of people associate with it…or at least not the REASON they associate negative feelings with it, the way it’s used…alright, I’m getting ahead of myself here.
Let’s start with relationships and people. I…don’t have that much experience with them, honestly. However, they’re caused when two people feel romantic- or sexual- attraction to each other. It could also be that they feel both. Both people put something into the relationship, and each get something out. Whether it’s sexual pleasure, just being in a relationship, or all the little things that come with it, each person should put in, and each should take something out of it. Also, both people should enjoy the relationship, and being in said relationship with the other person.
This enjoyment can and often does fade after a time- this is natural. It can and likely will happen to most people, and can hurt to varying degrees.
And this is where I get into the more ‘friendzone’ area. I’m sure most of you know what this is, though the definition does vary slightly, depending on who you hear it from- the variance usually being between “she put me in the friendzone” and “oh, you’re going to get into the friendzone”
basically being a box you’re dropped in vs. wandering into an area.
The thing that always seemed off to me what that it’s always the person others are pining over that gets to be painted as the villain and/or the bad guy. I’ll also take this moment to say I’m saying person because- although it’s likely a girl has said she’s in the friendzone with another girl/guy or a guy has said he’s in the friendzone with another guy…It seems to MAINLY happen when guys say they’re in the friendzone with a girl. I, personally, have not seen any other girl=>girl girl=>guy or guy=>guy usage, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any. For the rest of this I’ll be using person.
Alright, as i was saying Person A (the person who feels the romantic attraction to Person B) seems to often paint Person B (the person the unrequited attraction is for) as doing something wrong when they turn Person A down.
You’ll often see posts of people claiming that “you don’t know how badly we hurt when you turn us down” or “well, if you’d just give us a chance” or “they won’t go out with me but they go out with that bitch/jerk”
Referring to my earlier, very simplified, description of relationships, both people need to feel an attraction to each other. Both need to put in, and get out of a relationship.
Not everyone will be attracted to someone else, no matter what they do. You could be a god, and there will still be people who wouldn’t be attracted to you. This is because what people find attractive or want a relationship with is different for each person. Yes, of course, there are certain common requirements. Such as being nice, sweet, relatively thoughtful, as well as some level of physical attraction (which can develop with emotional attraction, and doesn’t need to be sexual).
Just because you fulfill these basic requirements doesn’t mean that others are required to start a relationship with you. Just because they LIKE you doesn’t mean they’re required to give you a chance. You both need to want to be in a relationship.
That doesn’t mean that every time someone ‘gives someone a chance’ it won’t work out. But it is the choice of both participants if they start a relationship. Each person has an equal say, and no one person’s choice can outweigh that of another, nor can the other’s outweigh theirs.
When you say someone put you in the friendzone, it’s just another way to say they didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It’s not a crime, and it’s something you need to accept. You can get a crush on someone else, move on, etc. It might take some time, but it’s possible.
Moving on. Sometimes, people say they’re in the friendzone, when they’re not. I mentally reserve the friendzone for when two people are friends, and one has an attraction to the other as more than a friend, while the other does not reciprocate.
If you’ve never talked to someone, and you don’t know them, and they turn you down, they didn’t friendzone you. They “I have no idea who this person is, but I have no desire to start a relationship with you” zoned you. Sometimes getting to know the person changes things, but that shouldn’t be your only goal.
Which brings us to our next topic- befriending someone to get with them. Alright, getting to know someone is a good thing, especially if you want a more emotional relationship instead of a purely physical one (which is fine too, but i have no experience in that area, so moving on)
You should want to get to know that person, and expect to receive friendship in return. You give friendship, you get friendship- just like more romantic types of relationships. Of course, romantic feelings can develop from friendships, but no-one should expect that that happens all the time.
Alright, you’ve learned to move on. Now EVERYBODY turns you down. You’ve gotten to know people, but nothing. This could either be a case of ‘you haven’t met the right person’ OR a case of ‘there is something wrong with me’
Thing is, it’s usually that you haven’t met the right person yet. Sometimes there might be something putting others off…do you call every person who’s turned you down a “bitch” or some variant thereof? Do you think there’s something wrong with everyone who’s turned you down? Do you think that they owe you something for trying?
Well, if you answered yes to any of these, you need to put yourself in other people’s shoes more, and recognize that no-one’s perfect, and people DO NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING FOR ASKING THEM OUT.
Finally- Relationships are NOT the end all and be all. Just because you haven’t had sex or haven’t kissed someone doesn’t mean you’re less of a person. Just because you’re not CURRENTLY have sexing or kissing someone doesn’t mean you’re less of a person. You need to find happiness in your life, and in your friendships and your choices. Remember- you have your own story that you’re going through. The romance is just a side quest.
Relationships aren’t everything. No-one owes you anything for being someone’s friend, except being a friend in return. If you can’t accept that, then you’re not ready for a relationship.